


The Wish

by cleo4u2



Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers (Comic)
Genre: Angst, Break Up and Make Up, Curses, Don't copy to another site, Gen Work, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Infidelity, Wishes, self-sabotage, severe malnurishment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 08:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22377514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleo4u2/pseuds/cleo4u2
Summary: Cougar thinks Jake is better off without him. When Jake lies dying, he finds out how wrong he is.
Relationships: Carlos "Cougar" Alvarez/Jake Jensen
Comments: 11
Kudos: 101
Collections: Losers Bingo 2019/20





	The Wish

**Author's Note:**

> No Beta. All errors are my own.

“He’s in his room.”

Cougar hadn’t believed anything was really wrong with Jake until he saw him. At first, Cougar didn’t think he was even awake as he was still under the covers of his bed with the blinds drawn and the lights out. Jake never slept with his glasses on, though, and once his eyes adjusted to the low light he could see Jake’s eyes were open. He was just laying there, staring at the ceiling. Now that Cougar was getting a good look at him, he could see Jake was too thin, the sharp bones of his face pressing against paper-thin skin. 

“Jake?” Cougar whispered as he was seized with an irrational fear that Jake would shatter if he was too loud.

Slowly, Jake turned his head and looked at Cougar. He didn’t speak, just stared through glassy eyes. Cougar couldn’t have said Jake recognized him. 

He didn’t even smile.

“He’s been like that for two months.” Cougar turned around, finding Jessica had followed him down the hallway. “I have to physically drag him out of his room. He just doesn’t _care_ anymore. I can’t get him to eat, he doesn't care if I play Country music, or use his laptop. There’s something _wrong_, Carlos, and it started when you left.”

Cougar swallowed and looked back at Jake. He was staring at the ceiling again, still except from the slow breathes that said he was alive.

“I took him to a doctor and they prescribed a bunch of antidepressants, but it does nothing. I mean _nothing_. He doesn’t even complain of side effects. It’s like he doesn’t feel anymore and it’s… It’s killing him, Carlos.”

_“Sometimes, I wish I didn’t feel so much.”_

The remembered voice tickled the back of Cougar’s brain.

“Oh, Jake,” he whispered. “What did you do?”

\----

It had taken him four weeks, but Cougar was starting to get used to the silence of the remote beach he’d purchased in Baja de los Angeles. It didn’t have electricity, or running water, but the generator was solar powered and a water truck came by every week to keep his water tank stocked. Stepping off his porch onto beautiful, white sand that ran all the way down to the blue ocean meant his view rivaled anything he’d ever had. He fished for his food, had started a small garden in the back, and kept beer in a cooler. He had everything he ever wanted, even if it was quiet.

He’d get used to it. Stop listening for another voice, for a conversation he rarely needed to contribute to and yet included him. He’d stop waking up expecting the warmth of another body wrapped around his own. He was used to being alone. He was a sniper. He wasn’t lonely. 

All he needed was a beer, a comfortable rocking chair on his porch, and the view across the bay. He had that. He didn’t have to look over his shoulder, wondering if the government, or one of Max’s cohorts, was going to burst through his door and kill him. No one knew him. It was paradise.

The sound of a cell phone ringing blared over the waves crashing against the shore. Cougar nearly tipped out of his chair, but righted himself quickly. He almost didn’t get up to answer the phone. He almost stayed where he was and let the rest of the world go on without him. But he got up, opened his front door, and snatched the phone from its place in a kitchen cabinet. 

“Hello?”

“Carlos?”

It took him a minute, but Carlos recognized the sound of Jake’s sister’s voice.

“Jessica?”

“Oh thank fuck.” Her voice cracked, but she got it under control quickly. “You have to come here. Come back. It’s Jake, he’s… He’s dying, Carlos, and I don’t know what to do to stop it. The doctors… _Please_. Please help him.”

Cougar sucked in a breath. He’d left, gone willingly to his paradise, but not a cell in him hesitated before he said, “I’ll be on the next flight.” He’d sworn he wouldn't go back, that he was out now, but it was Jake and Cougar’s heart had always overruled any logic when it came to Jacob Jensen.

\----

It was a rare time in his life when Cougar didn’t know what to do in a crisis. Jessica had left to pick up Beth after threatening his life if he didn’t tell her what was going on the moment she got back. Only, Cougar didn’t know what Jake had done. 

_“Wishes do come true.”_

Cougar shook his head, trying to shake the memory away, but it played out before his eyes. Cougar sitting across the room from Jake, his gun in pieces before him as he meticulously cared for every part. Jake at his computer, doing who-knew-what, and talking about everything and nothing.

Cougar had raised an eyebrow in skepticism. 

Without looking away from the screen, Jake had said, “No, they do. Not everyone can do it, but some people can wish hard enough and make things happen. Most people never want anything bad enough to make their wishes come true, some people who don't believe in magic, but a small percentage can do it. Pray, wish, cast a spell; whatever they call it, they can shape the world to be what they wish it to be.”

Cougar had frowned, thinking about that. He believed in prayer, that God was listening and would help when you needed him. He believed in miracles, he’d just never seen one before. Was that what Jake meant?

Keyboard keys had clacked in the safehouse for several long minutes, before Jake had said, “Sometimes, I wish I didn’t feel so much.”

Sitting at Jake’s side, Cougar leaned over as if a closer view would show Jake’s unnaturally expressionless face was just a mask. Something he was hiding behind. There was nothing. The light that lit Jake’s eyes was gone. The life that had flowed from Jake in waves had vanished. If Cougar couldn’t see his chest rising and falling, he’d have thought Jake dead.

Cougar’s chest ached. Had he done this? Had Jake wished to stop feeling?

“You were supposed to be fine,” Cougar said, as if the words could change this horror and bring Jake back to himself. “You said you would be fine.”

It was obvious now, Jake had lied.

\----

“You should say it before it makes your head explode.”

Cougar looked over at Jake and couldn’t help but smile. Long legs stretched before him, big hands wrapped around a Nintendo gaming system, dwarfing it with their size. They weren’t sleeping, but easy mornings in Jake’s bed had become routine since they’d put Max in the grave. Jake would play with his electronics and Cougar would read. Jake would talk to him, even when he hadn’t said a word, like he could read the thoughts in Cougar’s head.

If he could, Cougar knew Jake wouldn’t be in his bed.

“Come with me,” Cougar said and watched Jake fall still. In a rare occurrence, he set the game down, and turned to actually look at Cougar. Then again, Cougar had actually started the topic of conversation.

“You’re leaving?”

Cougar swallowed, surprised by the pain in Jake’s eyes, but nodded. 

“Your plan,” Jake said, his voice tight. “What you’d do once we got out; going to Mexico, finding a place on the beach. You’re going.”

Cougar opened his mouth, but closed it again. Jake’s voice was full of disbelief, which Cougar didn’t entirely understand because he’d been telling people this plan since he’d become a tier one operator in the Army. Once he’d served his time, he was going to escape civilization, go to a place where he could be alone, and just be. No orders, no killing, no people. Just him and nature. The look on Jake’s face said he hadn’t ever believed those plans.

Again, Cougar said, “Come with me.”

“I can’t.” Jake’s voice broke and for the first time since they’d known each other, he looked away from Cougar. “Jess and Beth… Pooch is just a few blocks over… I can’t just… go.”

Closing his eyes, Cougar nodded. That’s what he’d expected Jake to say.

“You could... stay.”

The words took Cougar by surprise. They hadn’t ever named the thing between them that found Cougar in Jake’s bed every morning. Sometimes he was there at night, finding release and peace in Jake’s arms. Sometimes he spent the night in another bed, but he was always in Jake’s the next morning, surrounded by Jake’s thick, powerful arms where nightmares never found him. They didn’t ask for commitment and yet…

“You could,” Jake insisted, but he was still looking out the window. “If you wanted to.”

“In the suburbs?” Cougar asked. “Become a soccer mom? Adopt and go to the PTA?” Jake’s shoulders hunched and he swung his feet off the bed. “Jake, you know that’s not me.”

“Yeah.” Jake breathed the word out like a sigh of defeat. “I know.”

“Jake…”

Jake waved his hand, brushing Cougar’s concern from the air.

“I’m fine. It’s fine. You always said you’d go.” Jake stood and Cougar felt something ethereal slipping through his hands. “You deserve your dream; it always sounded nice. I’ll just…” Cougar held his breath and exhaled as Jake hesitated. Then he finished with, “miss you,” and Cougar knew whatever it was he’d had, it was gone now.

But when Jake pulled on his pants and turned around, he was smiling at Cougar as easy as anything.

“I’ll make breakfast. Pancakes, sound good?”

Cougar had nodded and Jake had left. They didn’t talk about it again, didn’t say goodbye. For a week, Jake had made love with a desperate passion. Then Cougar had packed his bags and was gone. He hadn’t expected to ever come back.

\----

It was strange to see Jake’s hair soft and limp, no product keeping it hard and gravity defying. Cougar brushed it from Jake’s forehead, and nearly jumped out of his skin as Jake inhaled loud and sharp. For a moment, his blue eyes filled with life and darted around the room in confusion.

Then Cougar's hand left his skin and his gaze fixed on nothing once more.

"Jake?" Cougar asked, but received nothing more than the slow roll of Jake's head toward him. 

Reaching out, he touched Jake's cheek and Jake inhaled again like he'd been drowning.

"Cougs?" Jake asked when Cougar didn't pull away; and God his eyes, they warmed with confusion and happiness. "Why are you here? What's going on?"

Cougar almost couldn't speak, the relief was so strong.

"You are sick," he said through a tight throat. "Jessica called me. She -"

"No." Jake shook his head, nearly dislodging Cougar's hand so he took Jake's into the other and squeezed tightly. "You were supposed to be happy. Get your dream. She shouldn't have done that."

Cougar narrowed his eyes, but didn't address the stupidity coming out of Jake's mouth. Not yet, anyways. First, he needed to know if his suspicion was correct. 

"When I left, what did you wish for?"

Jake blinked at him, then scowled. After his unnatural stillness, even that was beautiful.

"How do you know I did?"

"Jake."

Rolling his eyes. Jake threw up his hands in defeat. Only Cougar didn't let go so his hand only rolled in a small wave.

Jake stared at their hands for a moment and asked, "What are you doing?"

Cougar didn't squeeze down painfully and he didn't growl because Jake couldn't help how distracted he could be.

"Focus. What did you wish for?"

"It doesn't matter," Jake said, but the defensiveness of his tone belied the words. "I'm fine. I'm not sick. I'm…" Jake had sat up as he spoke and swayed until Cougar propped Jake up against his side. "Oh, I'm dizzy."

"You have not been eating." Cougar wrapped his arm around Jake's waist, holding him close. "If you did not snap out of it soon, you would be waking in a hospital."

Jake made a face, but he wasn't fighting against Cougar's embrace or lying about how fine he was and that was progress.

"What did you wish for?"

Jake was quiet, but he kept moving, tucking his face against Cougar's throat. Finally he whispered, "I wished… that if you had to go, that you'd take my heart with you so I wouldn't have to feel it anymore."

"What?" Cougar asked. "What did you not want to feel?"

"Everything." Jake pressed himself closer to Cougar. "You were gone. You weren't coming back. I didn't want to hurt any more."

"Oh, Jake," Cougar whispered into Jake's soft, blonde hair. His own heart ached in a way he'd never felt before. It wasn't grief, or pain, and yet he hurt for the damage he'd done. He had taken Jake's heart with him, his huge heart that made him who he was, drove his passions, and fired the bright soul inside him.

Kissing Jake's temple, he said, "I brought it back. You will be fine now. I brought it back."

\----

Jessica was as happy to have Jake back to himself as she was pissed at Cougar. Cougar couldn't explain that Jake had wished his heart away, so he took her anger, every moment of it, and didn't stop touching Jake. When he did, to help Jake change (he was too weak to stand on his own) and bandage his bedsores, Jake had slipped back into that blank stupor. He didn't seem to remember it, though, which was almost as scary as the stupor itself. 

By dinner, Cougar expected Jake to be sick of the tether that was Cougar hold on his hand, but he wasn't. He just used his other hand more, nearly braining Jessica a few times and knocking his drink to the floor. Other than his physical weakness, the touch had cured Jake so Cougar wasn't going to let go. He held on to him all night, then the next day, and the next week. By then Jake could go a few minutes without his touch before turning into the blank, zombie version of himself. 

Part of Cougar knew that meant one day he could be free of this obligation. He hated that part of himself, the one that cared more about solitude and freedom than Jake. 

Pooch came by and smiled at their hands. Like everyone else, he'd come to the conclusion that Jake had just been deeply depressed and Cougar's return had fixed him. Besides knowing depression didn't have a magical cure, Cougar knew the truth was some twisted magic, a broken prayer that God had granted and Cougar didn't know why. Cougar wasn't built for a life like this, the kind of life they fought to make sure civilians could have. Pooch had his wife and his kids, Jake had Jessica and Beth. They were happy, normal, going about their predictable routines. The kids went to school, the adults went to work, Cougar and Jake did nothing until everyone was home for dinner and homework. It made Cougar's skin itch.

And yet… it was nice. He couldn't avoid the fact. Every day Jake got better. Their daily walks were still painful, Jake's body so emaciated it hurt to take a single step, but they took a few more steps each time they went out. Jake smiled at him like he was a gift and it more than made up for Jessica's anger and Jolene's pointed stares. The evening he leaned over and kissed Cougar in front of everyone, just because he wanted to, left Cougar lighter and happier than he'd ever been in his life.

And yet he couldn't escape how wrong it felt. How… normal. He didn't deserve normal, not like Jake and Pooch.

That thought came to him one night as he folded Jake's laundry and hummed to the music Beth was playing in her room. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to be as happy as he was. That was why he hadn't stayed. It was why he had never even considered committing to Jake. He didn't deserve it, not after everything he'd done, all the lives he'd taken and lost.

But he knew Jake deserved it. Jake deserved the moon and stars. He was supposed to be fine, to move on, leave Cougar behind and settle down and adopt two kids or ten dogs. Instead he'd wished his heart to Cougar and now Cougar had to give him that life. Whether he deserved it or not, he had to accept that he would be happy because he couldn't leave. He couldn't bear to hurt Jake like that again.

By the second week, Cougar was wondering if they were ever going to ask if he would stay. No one did. Jake because he was afraid of the answer. Cougar couldn't be sure of the others. When they came back from their walk to find Jolene, Jessica, and Pooch in the living room, no kids in sight, Cougar knew the time had come.

Turning to Jake, he kissed his cheek.

"Go lie down. This won't be quick."

"I can stay," Jake protested. 

Jessica shook her head.

"We need a moment with Carlos."

Jake shot her a hard look.

"He hates that name."

Though he loved seeing Jake defend him, Cougar didn't need it, not when they were trying to keep Jake safe.

"Go. It's fine. I will be just a little while."

Jake hesitated. He didn't believe in the wish like Cougar, but he was far too smart to not notice how he kept losing time. He'd also noticed Cougar could predict when they would happen, even if he didn't buy that he had wished his heart into Cougar.

"I am not happy about this," Jake loudly proclaimed, but he went, leaving Cougar to face the music as his door closed with a click.

Jessica, arms crossed across her chest, immediately said aggressively, "If you're going to leave him again, we need to know."

Before he could answer, Pooch said, “We’re not trying to guilt-trip you to stay, but if you’re leaving, we need to be prepared.”

“I will guilt trip you,” Jolene argued. “He needs you. We need you. You have to stay.”

“Jolene,” Pooch began, but stopped when Cougar said, “I have to go.”

“You son of a bitch,” Jessica snapped.

Pooch sucked in a sharp breath and Jolene threw up her hands, but Cougar didn’t let them steam roll him again.

“Jake will come with me. The house and land must be sold. The fresh air will be good for him. Then -”

Jolene interrupted him again, but this time with surprise in her rich brown eyes.

“You’re coming back.”

Jessica blurted “What?” and Cougar nodded.

“This is his home. We will come back.”

Jolene sighed.

“It’s your home, too.”

“It… it is,” Jessica said, tucking her blonde hair behind her ear while looking a mixture of relieved and nervous. “You’re family.”

“Though you should really get your own place,” Pooch said, then feigned a wince as Jolene slapped his arm. “What’d I say?”

“Jake needs to _rest_.”

Cougar nodded.

“In Mexico, he will have no internet. He will have no choice but to rest.”

Jessica relaxed for the first time since Cougar had left nearly two months ago.

“When will you go?”

“A month.” Cougar shrugged a shoulder. “When he is stronger.”

“Okay.” Jessica nodded and set her shoulders before repeating. “Okay. Good.”

Cougar could only hope it was, but only time would tell. The dream of being nowhere, with just him and the ocean, wasn’t likely to ever leave. Especially not when he’d had it, even for just a little while. But he could make a new dream and... it could be a better dream. A small house with a yard and a dog; Jake would be there, and maybe there would even be kids. It could be a wonderful life. Not paradise, but it’s own kind of heaven.

To Cougar’s surprise, when he pushed open the door to Jake’s room, he wasn’t drained of emotion. He sat on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. When Cougar closed the door, he looked up and sniffled before swiping his arm across his face, wiping away his tears. 

Cougar froze, not knowing what to say, or do. He’d never seen Jake cry before. Not ever.

“I heard what you said.” Cougar wanted to feel relieved, but didn’t think their conversation would have generated this kind of reaction. “You don’t… I don’t want you to stay.” 

The air felt like it was sucked out of Cougar’s lungs. The whole time he had spent convincing himself he wanted to stay, he’d never thought he wouldn’t be _allowed_. It had never occurred to him that Jake might not want him, not when he smiled at Cougar and laughed and held onto his hand as tight as Cougar did. Hearing those words was like a knife to his heart. The dream he’d been allowing himself to want, thinking maybe he could have, popped like a bubble.

He didn’t recognize his own voice when he said Jake’s name, not with how it crackled and wobbled. 

“It’s not fair!” Jake shouted, making Cougar jump with his sudden anger. “I _love_ you. I think you know it. I think you’ve always known it, but you never… I was never…” _enough_. Cougar heard the word, but Jake didn't say it. “You always needed something else and then… for a minute… I thought you wanted me too, but you left and I didn’t question it when you came back, but you didn’t…” The anger went out of Jake all at once. His shoulders hunched and his head fell forward. “You don’t love me, do you?”

At last, Cougar could breathe. This wasn’t a hurt he could fix right away, but he would start now, making up for all the pain he’d caused.

“I don’t deserve you; this life you have.” 

Jake looked up at him sharply and Cougar offered a weak smile as he moved to Jake and knelt before him. For once, Jake was at a loss for words as Cougar took both his hands in his, both because he wanted to, and because he didn’t think Jake could last much longer without his heart.

“I am not like you, or Pooch. Me, Clay, Roque; we were never good men. The things I have done…”

Jake shook his head and squeezed Cougar’s hands.

“Cougar, you’re the best man I’ve ever known.”

Cougar snorted.

“You are biased. You love me.”

Jake narrowed his eyes.

“You _did_ know.”

Nodding, Cougar held tight to Jake’s hands.

“And I knew that I loved you.” Jake’s eyes widened, so Cougar quickly said what he needed before Jake’s mouth started up again. “But I do not deserve you. You said you would be fine. I thought you would move on, find happiness without me. But you are a stupid idiot who wished away his heart.” Lifting Jake’s hands, Cougar kissed his fingers. “I promise, I will take better care of it from now on… If you want me to stay.”

Jake’s hands shook as he reached for Cougar, took his hat off, and slipped his fingers through his hair. The sensation had Cougar shivering and leaning toward Jake.

“Say it again.”

“I love you.”

Jake kissed him, soft and slow, then whispered against his lips, “Say it again.”

“I love you. I have always loved you. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Laughing, Jake kissed him again, pressing his joy into Cougar’s lips.

“Stay; yes, please, stay.” Abruptly Jake sat up and held Cougar’s face in his hands. The look in his eyes was fierce, but Cougar was just so happy to feel the strength returning to his arms. “You can’t… It has to be just me. No more… I never asked you to -”

Cougar covered Jake’s hands with his own, then kissed his palm to shut him up.

“It was always just you.”

“I knew when you would be with -”

Again, Cougar kissed Jake’s palm and again Jake fell silent.

“I wanted you to leave me. I loved you and couldn’t leave you. I thought you would leave me.”

“Oh.” Jake blinked at him. “I should have seen that, huh?”

Cougar shook his head and smiled.

“I kept you at arms length. I never wanted to hurt you, I only…”

Jake slipped off the bed and into Cougar’s lap. He wrapped Cougar in his strong, safe arms and held him tight.

“You wanted to punish yourself.”

Whispering fiercely, Cougar promised, “I will be better.”

With a smile, Jake kissed him again. “I love you,” he whispered against Cougar’s lips.

\----

Cougar was worried. Jake hadn’t spoken a single word since they’d gotten off the plane in San Diego and started the six hour drive south of the border to Cougar’s little cabin on the beach. After two months of recovery, he didn’t have to keep a tight hold of Jake’s hand. They could be parted for an hour or more at a time, but Cougar had needed to reassure himself by touching Jake after an hour of silence. After following the white painted stones along the dirt road and parking behind the small, blue home, Jake had pulled away. He had wandered up and down the property, then through the rooms, giving everything as much attention as he would code that didn’t want to behave. At last, he’d seated himself in Cougar’s rocking chair and stared out at the sea as the sun set, bathing everything in deep blues and purples. Cougar hovered, not sure what was happening, if he should speak, or just let Jake be. 

Finally, Jake looked at him and said, “I get it,” but his voice was so sad, Cougar wasn’t sure what he understood. “We could stay here. We don’t have to go back.”

Cougar snorted.

“Jake, there is no internet. The generator cannot power your laptop.”

“So, so I’ll learn how to knit!” To Cougar’s skeptically raised eyebrow, he said, “I could knit; you don’t know!”

_“Jake.”_

Slumping in Cougar’s chair, Jake said, “It’s not fair. This is your dream and I’m taking it.”

Cougar shook his head, but was glad to finally know what had been bothering Jake so much. Moving behind Jake, Cougar squeezed his shoulders, gently massaging the tension out of them.

“This dream, it cannot include you.” Jake twitched under his hands. “And without you, it isn’t much of a dream.”

“Cougs…”

Cougar kissed Jake on top of his head.

“I have been imagining a new dream. A home, just big enough for us, with a nice yard. It will have an office like you’ve wanted, a big kitchen for me to cook in, and there will be many dogs.”

Jake’s hand closed over Cougar’s and squeezed hard.

“How many dogs?”

“That would depend on if you want children.”

Jake looked back at him, his mouth hanging open, and Cougar found himself laughing. Moving around the chair, he hauled Jake to his feet and into his arms. Jake went easily, wrapping his arms around Cougar’s waist. They held onto each other as the sun slipped beneath the waves and the night washed in. Moonlight bathed everything in grey while the stars appeared one by one, glittering in Jake’s eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> **Come and visit Cleo on... places...**  
Tumblr: [@cleo4u2](http://cleo4u2.tumblr.com)  
Pillowfort: [Cleo4u2](https://www.pillowfort.io/Cleo4u2)  
Twitter: [@Cleo4u2](https://twitter.com/Cleo4u2)


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